Couples work

The relationship starts with yourself

The most frequent comment I hear when a couple wants to enter counseling is "I fear this is the last step before divorce."  The fear is that the problems will be brought to the surface and as a result of differences, the marriage can't survive. 

This is the furthest thing from the truth.

If you can label the issue, it can be communicated. Doubt stops people in their tracks.  In my therapy practice, the issues are seen, the barriers are discussed and the work begins leading to healthy, strong and connected relationships. 

The process is not about blame. It is about understanding why each person is using verbiage in the way they believe is working for them. We can only use what we know and think is going to  protect ourself and get our needs met. Often these are the patterns we learned growing up. The work is not only about figuring out the issues, but also about how to change the way you respond so your partner wants to make you happy. At the end of the day you want to be clear about what you are feeling and needing and how to get those needs met so you can make a clear choice about the direction you go.  

One of my favorite stories was from a client who learned the tools to share what was bothering him with his wife.  After ten minutes of discussion, they both realized they were talking about two completely separate issues. They both had a story of what the other did to them but the situations were not remotely the same. They both laughed when they realized how far apart they were from effective communication. They both had been sure nothing could change but once they learned the skills to truly communicate and share their needs, things began to move for the better.  We often think we are communicating because we are saying something. We are speaking with anger, blaming, pleading, crying, trying hard to explain, but wonder why the point is not getting across or why nothing is changing.  I often hear  "too many years have gone by and if it was going to change it would have happened by now".  The truth is couples can go for years being miserable, and making choices they wish could work but do not. My clients experience many "a-ha" moments when they realize that change is possible, that their relationships are improving and that they have new tools to create these changes.

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In my practice the work is all about how to effectively notice what you are feeling and needing and how to effectively share this, along with the skills to make your partner want to make you happy.  

Please reach out.  You don't have to live in endless sadness and pain and wonder why every day you are feeling  unhappy, angry or alone.