Sometimes we are feeling rejected or unloved when we do not hear enough from our partner that they love us, want us, or are so happy to have us in their life. Sometimes we feel our partner is unkind or does not think about our needs. Sometimes we call our partner a narcissist because they are not giving us what we need and assume they are only focused on their needs. Sometimes we feel stuck and believe that none of these thoughts or the situation can be changed.
but the situation can change. It can be different. While there most certainly are people out in the world we could diagnose as a narcissist, most of the time we are not getting what we want because we are uncomfortable asking for it. We might think we are asking for it because we let ourselves get to the level of anger and then we snap or ignore or shut down, blaming our partner for their lack of action. the piece that makes the difference is the manner by which you are talking to your partner. If you snap, yell or withdraw they will likely repeat the behavior. If you speak to them with compassion you will be giving peace to self and finding a new way to be heard by your partner. If you assume you should not have to ask, then you will also have to assume you will not get what you want. The choice is yours.
Let me give an example. Pam asked tom to take out the garbage and he did not do it. Pam got angry and let tom know he did not listen, maybe her anger took her to a next step of saying “you never do any chores”, or “I always have to do everything”. Pam reacted quickly with anger making Tom feel bad about himself, and hurt at the way he was spoken to. There is a good chance he may forget to take out the garbage next week because he is no longer focused on making pam happy. He is only focused on not gettin in trouble. If this happens long enough, tom assumes he is always in trouble and will stop trying to please Pam.
a more healthy way: Pam could have responded with compassion to self by using language that speaks about herself and what she needs rather than in a way that makes tom feel bad.. She could say “I know you did not mean to forget to take out the garbabe. I see you had a busy week. It would make me happy if you could remember next week so I will be able to fit the garbage in the canister for this week. I would really appreciate it. When using this language, Tom keeps his desire to please his partner rather than functioning under fear of getting in trouble.
When I share this with clients, I often hear “but I tried that and he still forgot to take out the garbage”. When your partner is used to functioning in fear, it may take you changing your communication several attempts before your partner trusts you are not trying to hurt him, but trying ot take care of yourself. it is important that you allow yourself to keep coming back to say what you want over and over in a self led compassionate manner in order to get what you want. I know you want a one and done deal but to show self compassion you will keep asking for what you want in a compassionate manner until you are finally heard. It takes some patience, a little persistence and some faith that you will not only get what you want, but you will also maintain a good relationship with your partner.
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